What do I say to someone whose relative has died?

The words themselves

The primary du'a of condolence (ta'ziyah) is:

إِنَّ لِلَّهِ مَا أَخَذَ، وَلَهُ مَا أَعْطَى، وَكُلُّ شَيْءٍ عِنْدَهُ بِأَجَلٍ مُسَمَّى... فَلْتَصْبِرْ وَلْتَحْتَسِبْInna lillahi ma akhadha, wa lahu ma a'ta, wa kullu shay'in 'indahu bi-ajalin musamma... faltasbir waltahtasib."To Allah belongs what He took, and to Him belongs what He gave, and everything with Him has an appointed time. So be patient and seek reward."— Sahih al-Bukhari 1284 and Sahih Muslim 923, from Usamah ibn Zayd

And a second form, which the same source describes as good (hasan):

أَعْظَمَ اللَّهُ أَجْرَكَ، وَأَحْسَنَ عَزَاءَكَ، وَغَفَرَ لِمَيِّتِكَA'zama Allahu ajrak, wa ahsana 'aza'ak, wa ghafara li-mayyitik."May Allah magnify your reward, make your consolation excellent, and forgive your deceased."— Hisn al-Muslim, du'a of condolence

What the first wording is doing

Every phrase in it answers something the grieving person is actually feeling. "To Allah belongs what He took" establishes that the relative was never the family's possession to keep — they were a trust returned to its owner. "And to Him belongs what He gave" prevents resentment: the years they had together were themselves a gift, not a right. "Everything with Him has an appointed time" removes the "why now, why so young" question at its root, because the timing was set before it happened. And the closing instruction — "so be patient and seek reward" — is addressed to the bereaved, telling them what to do with what they are feeling: sabr (patient restraint) paired with ihtisab (seeking Allah's reward for it), so the grief itself becomes something that earns.

That is why this wording is more useful than any phrase of your own. It does not try to explain the loss or minimise it; it repositions it.

How to deliver it

Say it plainly and briefly, then be present. The Sunnah's words are short, and their brevity is part of their mercy — a long speech asks the bereaved to manage your feelings alongside their own.

• Say it soon: condolences are offered from the time of death, and the scholars discuss offering them after the burial as well.
• Say it more than once if it helps: there is no set number of times to offer ta'ziyah; the point is to comfort, not to complete a ritual.
• Follow it with something practical: food, errands, help with arrangements. The words carry the meaning; the actions carry the person.
• Avoid explaining the death: the du'a already answers the question of "why," and speculation adds weight rather than removing it.

What to avoid

One practice connected to mourning has a clear ruling. Shaykh Ibn Baz was asked where the gathering held for the deceased on the third day after burial came from, and he answered that it was an innovation introduced into Islam by people ignorant of what Islam requires, and that it is rejected, citing the Prophet's ﷺ words:

"Whoever does a deed not in accordance with our affair, it is rejected."— Sahih Muslim 1718

So the condolence itself is established and rewarded; the structured commemoration at a set number of days is not. If the family is holding one, you are not obliged to participate in that part — you can visit, say the du'a, help, and leave the innovation alone.

Key takeaways

• Use the Sunnah's wording: "To Allah belongs what He took, and to Him belongs what He gave, and everything with Him has an appointed time. So be patient and seek reward."
• The second wording is also good: "May Allah magnify your reward, make your consolation excellent, and forgive your deceased."
• Keep it short and follow it with action — food, errands, presence — because the bereaved cannot carry logistics and grief at once.
• Condolences have no fixed number of repetitions; offer them as often as they genuinely comfort.
• The third-day gathering for the deceased is an innovation according to Shaykh Ibn Baz, so you may comfort the family without joining that practice.

Further reading

• Hisn al-Muslim (Fortress of the Muslim), du'a of condolence
• Shaykh Ibn Baz, Majmu' Fatawa wa Maqalat Mutanawwi'ah, "The commemorations held for the deceased"

And Allah knows best.