What is allowed during an engagement (khitbah)?

What the engagement actually is

The scholars define khitbah as a man expressing his wish to marry a woman, her acceptance and her guardian's acceptance of that wish, and an agreement to conclude the marriage contract in the future. IslamWeb (fatwa 113459) puts it plainly: it is neither a marriage nor anything resembling one — it is a mutual appointment to marry, and it neither establishes a right nor makes a forbidden thing lawful.

Its ruling is not obligation. The engagement is a sunnah, recommended because the Prophet ﷺ himself engaged 'A'ishah and Hafsah رضي الله عنهما. Imam al-Baji, the Maliki scholar, reported that engagement is mustahabb (recommended), that it is an ancient practice, and that it is not obligatory — and that this is the position of all the jurists, with only Dawud (the Zahiri) holding it obligatory. Ibn Hajar noted that marriage is valid without a prior engagement, and that only some of the literalists made it a condition — a position he called anomalous.

The one permission it grants

The engagement opens exactly one door: looking at the woman one intends to marry. The Prophet ﷺ told al-Mughirah ibn Shu'bah, when he informed him he had proposed to a woman:

"Look at her, for it is more likely to bring about harmony between you."— Sunan al-Tirmidhi 1087, from al-Mughirah ibn Shu'bah

Jabir ibn 'Abdullah رضي الله عنهما narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said:

"When one of you proposes to a woman, if he is able to look at what would draw him to marry her, let him do so."— Sunan Abu Dawud 2082, from Jabir ibn 'Abdullah

Jabir added that he hid himself until he saw from her what moved him to marry her, and then he married her. IslamWeb (fatwa 113459) notes this is the position of the overwhelming majority of scholars. The Prophet ﷺ also asked a man who had married an Ansari woman whether he had looked at her, saying,

"For in the eyes of the Ansar there is something" (Sahih Muslim, from Abu Hurayrah)

meaning a man should look before committing, so that no aversion arises afterwards.

What stays forbidden

The permission to look is narrow, and the scholars are explicit that nothing else changes. IslamWeb (fatwa 6796) states that as long as no contract has been concluded, the engaged pair are strangers to one another (ajnabiyyan): no private seclusion (khalwah) is permitted, and nothing of what takes place between spouses is permitted.

IslamWeb (fatwa 113459) names the modern version of this directly — the "contemporary engagement" in which the fiancé relaxes with his fiancée, treats her as husbands treat wives in seclusion, looking and touching, and perhaps goes further still. It describes this as contravening the law of Allah and not permitted. The same fatwa advises the questioner to inform his prospective in-laws of these rulings and to tell them he needs the contract concluded so that his relationship with their daughter during the period before the wedding is a lawful one.

So the practical line is:

• Looking with a view to marriage — permitted, and recommended before committing.
• Being alone together — not permitted; they are not mahram to each other.
• Touching, and any physical intimacy — not permitted.
• Treating each other as spouses — not permitted; the rights and liberties of marriage begin only with the contract.

The rights of the other party

Two further rulings protect the people involved rather than the couple's privacy.

Do not propose over another man's proposal. The Prophet ﷺ said:

"Let not one of you propose over the proposal of his brother, nor outbid his brother's sale, unless he gives him permission."— Sunan Abu Dawud 2081, from Ibn 'Umar

Al-San'ani, in Sharh Subul al-Salam, reported that there is consensus on the prohibition of proposing after a clear acceptance from a woman of sound mind or from the guardian of a minor. IslamWeb (fatwa 32512) adds that this holds once she has inclined to and agreed with the first suitor — and that if by "official engagement" one means the marriage contract itself, then she is simply a wife, with a wife's rights and obligations, and no proposal to her is permissible at all.

Either party may withdraw. IslamWeb (fatwa 32512) states that each of the engaged pair may step back from the engagement, because it is only a promise and an agreement to marry in the future. IslamWeb (fatwa 113459) adds that withdrawing is makruh — disliked — unless there is a legitimate reason, such as a defect that has become apparent in the other's religion or character, a crooked course of conduct, or a personal matter too difficult to bear. When one withdraws, the Shari'ah rulings determine what each party owes the other.

Honesty about defects. Shaykh Ibn 'Uthaymeen was asked about a man who is infertile and whether he must disclose this when proposing. He answered that a person with a defect must make it known to those he proposes to, especially a serious defect like infertility, because the woman has a right to children — and that if he conceals it and it later becomes known, they may seek to have the contract annulled, and it is annulled.

If something forbidden has occurred

IslamWeb (fatwa 6796) addresses the case of an engaged couple who fell into sin before any contract: the obligation is sincere repentance (tawbah nasuhah) and seeking forgiveness. Sincere repentance means desisting from the sin, regretting what has passed, resolving never to return to it, and it must occur before the soul leaves the body and before the sun rises from the west. It must be joined by righteous deeds — fasting, prayer, charity, reciting the Qur'an, voluntary 'umrah. The most important thing is not to return to the act. The fatwa advises hastening the marriage if that is possible, citing the narration,

"Nothing is better for two who love each other than marriage" (Sunan Ibn Majah 1847, from Ibn 'Abbas)

If marriage is being delayed, it advises keeping completely away from that person and cutting contact.

Key takeaways

• An engagement is a promise, not a marriage: it grants no marital rights and makes nothing lawful except looking at the prospective spouse.
• Look before you commit — it is recommended, and the Prophet ﷺ instructed it, because it is more likely to bring harmony.
• Seclusion, touching and spousal intimacy remain forbidden until the contract is concluded; the couple are still strangers to one another.
• Do not propose to a woman who has already accepted another, and either party may withdraw from an engagement, though withdrawal without a valid reason is disliked.
• A serious defect such as infertility must be disclosed when proposing, and concealing it gives the other party grounds to annul the contract.

Further reading

• Fath al-Bari, Ibn Hajar al-'Asqalani — on marriage without a prior engagement
• Sharh Subul al-Salam, al-San'ani — on the prohibition of proposing over another's proposal
• al-Muntaqa Sharh al-Muwatta', al-Baji — on the ruling of engagement

And Allah knows best.