How should Muslim parents raise their children?

A duty, not an option

The command is addressed to parents directly. Allah says:

"O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones"— Qur'an 66:6

Ali ibn Abi Talib رضي الله عنه explained the verse as meaning: teach them and discipline them. Al-Hasan said it means: command them to obey Allah and teach them what is good. So the duty is not merely to feed and clothe a child but to form them on the religion.

The Prophet ﷺ framed this as a trust that will be accounted for:

"Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is a shepherd in his household and is responsible for his flock; a woman is a shepherd in her husband's house and is responsible for her flock."— Sahih al-Bukhari 893, from Abdullah ibn Umar

Shaykh Ibn Baz drew the conclusion plainly: the father is responsible for his children and the mother is responsible for her children, in raising them Islamically, commanding them to good and forbidding them from wrong. IslamWeb (fatwa 99047) states that upbringing is a shared obligation of both parents — the father's duty to provide financially does not replace his duty to raise them on the manners and ethics of Islam, and the mother carries the same responsibility.

The four areas of upbringing

IslamWeb (fatwa 17078) sets out four kinds of upbringing that together produce a balanced child. They are not stages to complete one at a time but strands woven together as the child grows.

The scholars stress that this must be done gradually — little by little, gently, with understanding of what each stage of childhood and adolescence actually needs. Done this way, IslamWeb says, it is enough — after Allah's guidance — to produce a righteous young person who fears Allah and works for his community.

Faith first, and prayer as its spine

Shaykh al-Shanqiti (in Fiqh al-Usrah) explains that a parent can plant faith in a child's heart at almost any moment: a situation arises, the child is beside you, and you remind him of Allah, of His oneness, of His care over every soul. The child grows on the natural disposition (fitrah) Allah created him upon, and the parent's words fall on that fitrah like light upon light.

The most concrete expression of this is prayer. Allah commands:

"And enjoin prayer upon your family and be steadfast therein"— Qur'an 20:132

And the Prophet ﷺ set the timetable:

"Command your children to pray at seven, and strike them for it at ten, and separate them in their beds."— Sunan Abi Dawud 495, from Abdullah ibn Amr

Shaykh Ibn Baz explains the wisdom: at seven the child is commanded, at ten he is disciplined for neglecting it, because by then he is approaching puberty. Once he reaches puberty the prayer becomes an individual obligation on him. The scholars add that parents must also teach the child how — how to make wudu, how to purify himself, how to face the qiblah, and the manner in which the prayer is performed.

Teaching what he will need before he needs it

IslamWeb (fatwa 199013), quoting the Kuwaiti Fiqh Encyclopedia, sets out what parents must teach a child before he reaches puberty, so that he enters adulthood already equipped:

• Sound belief: what makes his creed valid — faith in Allah, His angels, His books, His messengers and the Last Day.
• Valid worship: what relates to his prayer, fasting and purification.
• The prohibitions: that fornication, theft, intoxicants, lying and backbiting are forbidden.
• The meaning of accountability: that with puberty he enters the age of obligation.

The same source notes that some scholars held this teaching merely recommended, but al-Rafi'i reported from the imams that it is obligatory on fathers and mothers, and al-Nawawi affirmed that position.

Discipline that moves in steps

The scholars describe a graduated approach to correction, not a single reaction. IslamWeb (fatwa 199013) quotes the Fiqh Encyclopedia: the child is disciplined by commanding him to fulfil obligations and forbidding him from wrong — first by speech, then by warning, then by firm reproach, and only then by physical discipline, if the earlier means have not worked.

Shaykh Ibn Baz applies the same gradualism to a girl's upbringing in dress and modesty: she is raised on covering and modesty from a young age so that it becomes second nature to her, and this is done with kind words and a good approach, resorting to discipline only when needed.

The home is the first school

Ibn al-Qayyim, quoted by IslamWeb (fatwa 199013), makes a sharp point about where the blame usually lies:

"Most children only come to corruption because of the fathers and their neglect of them, and their leaving off teaching them the obligations of the religion and its sunnahs. They wasted them while small, so they benefited neither themselves nor their parents when grown."— Ibn al-Qayyim, quoted in IslamWeb fatwa 199013

The Permanent Committee (fatwa 3681) was asked about a father enrolling his children in schools that contradict the teachings of the religion on the grounds of securing their future. The answer: he must raise them Islamically, for they are a trust in his hands and he will be questioned about them on the Day of Judgement, and he may not enter them into the schools of the disbelievers out of fear of temptation and the corruption of creed and character. The future, the Committee says, is in Allah's hand.

Shaykh al-Shanqiti warns against a related failure — parents who grow anxious when a child goes to the mosque or a study circle, while showing no concern when he spends hours with bad company. He describes this as a defeatism toward one's own religion, and contrasts it with the early generations, who rejoiced when a son memorised Qur'an or attended gatherings of remembrance.

It does not end at eighteen

IslamWeb (fatwa 126634) is clear that the parents' task does not stop when the child reaches adulthood. They continue to guide and advise even into his later years, because upbringing is founded on counsel, and counsel is a right every Muslim holds — and a parent's child has the first claim on it. Some jurists even stated that a father may discipline his grown son; Ibn Muflih records in al-Furu' that the apparent position of the scholars is that a child may be disciplined even if he is grown, married and living independently.

But the same source warns that parents must recognise the change in stages. A father does not deal with his son before puberty as he does after it, nor with a son living under his roof as he does with one who has married and become independent. Al-Mawardi quotes a sage: "Your son is your flower for seven years, your servant for seven, your minister for seven — then he is either your friend or your enemy."

Key takeaways

• Upbringing is an obligation on both parents, grounded in Qur'an 66:6 and the hadith of the shepherd, and each will be questioned about it.
• Cover four areas together — faith, character, body and mind — gradually and according to the child's stage, not all at once.
• Prayer is the spine of it: command at seven, discipline at ten, and teach the child how to perform it properly before puberty.
• Teach creed, worship and the prohibitions before puberty, so the child enters adulthood already knowing what is required of him.
• Correct in steps — speech, then warning, then firm reproach, then physical discipline only if needed — and continue advising even after your children are grown.

Further reading

• Abdullah Nasih Ulwan, Tarbiyat al-Awlad fi al-Islam
• Al-Mawardi, Adab al-Dunya wa al-Din

And Allah knows best.